Sunday, January 29, 2012

when all the hope is gone

Declan wasn't looking for a hand-out. Yet, it felt good to really talk to someone. Especially, someone who wasn't Gage. And especially, Sage. He avoided her as much as possible, but even when Sage was around, he did his best to look through her, or over the top of her head, but never directly into her eyes.

He couldn't. He knew too much. And possibly, it hurt even worse that she remained so quiet. Funny, he'd have dreams about Sage wanting to talk to him, but he could never hear her voice.  Possibly, that's the way it really was with her now. Declan was doing his best to get used to it. Wasn't like he was ever really her boyfriend. Although, it felt so certain.

He wanted to blame it on the holidays. That's what did this. He needed to keep believing this. But the teaspoon clanked now as he watched Allie stir her coffee.

"They make fantastic French toast here," he said, but he wasn't up to eating such a grand meal. Just toast and fried eggs for him.

"I am suppose to stay away from starch." She was having a lonely boiled egg. Perhaps it was the cream in her coffee she could savor. He watched her pour more cream in her coffee.

Declan drank at his coffee. He remembered her voice at the Halloween party he went too. It was outstanding, and she was quite a performer.

"So anymore up coming shows?" He asked.

Allie shook her head, no. It was more prosperous to stick with voice overs for the car company on the local TV stations. "You may have heard me on the radio." But it wasn't music, just voice work. "I guess I'm fortunate. They like me." She sounded uncertain about her job, the band, even now.

Declan kept smiling, but he never listened to the radio. Perhaps he'd turn it on sometime. He asked which station.

The food came and they ate in silence.

"I guess, you're wondering how someone like Manny could get mixed up with me." She made him sound as if he were the worthy one, not her. "See, I really lost it, I suppose when I met this guy at a party, when I was in high school. Didn't know he'd be in jail the next day. He'd killed his sister's husband. I never heard from him, again. Then I had William. Mom, made me quit school. Before I know it, Mom took him away from me. Said I couldn't handle it. So I moved in to town. You know, tried to find something steady. Lots of jobs. But I'm not very good at housekeeping. I'd met Manny in passing. You know, night classes. He was trying to make up some classes too. I knew..I knew it wouldn't last. Really, I thought it would be just a one night stand...but.." She hesitated. "He said it was all my fault, when I got pregnant with Angie. Mom would not help me."

He could tell she was upset as tears slipped down her face. Declan's fingers touched her firm fist.

"I did spend the first few weeks with her. I didn't want to..I didn't want to give her up...and..now..this...Its completely my fault. Completely."

Declan shook his head, no. He didn't believe it. He gave her his clean handkerchief to wipe her tears.

She told him how thankful she was. That he would do this for her little girl. A child she would probably never know.

9 comments:

W. said...

I think Declan is so good for her.

Cafe Fashionista said...

What an emotional time for them both. :/

Ben and Molly said...

She needed someone to listen. To hear her out.

ellie said...

I feel sad for her, but I think he's a comfort to her.

HailesHeartsFashion said...

I love Declan, he is such a relate-able character for me in a strange way. Also this is entry is really well written. I love the part where she is talking about how he has heard her on the radio and he hasn't really but he just smiles. So true to life. The signs of a good writer, I believe!

Hailes<3

FWB said...

I'm glad they went to breakfast together.

meg said...

Its good to hear her side.

molly said...

So emotional.

Sara said...

I really loved this post, so touching!