in the rut of it

Gage thought he'd been tricked. Some how. When he woke up, there was Todd standing over him. Gage looked at the side of him, wondering if Lucy was ever there. What if she wasn't? What if it had all been a dream?

He shook his head. No, it hadn't. She'd been rather passionate. A passion he'd wanted to be a part of. He liked the energy of it. But it made him tired. He just didn't feel strong enough. It was certain now. He needed to be active. Or was he just suppose to watch the world go by?

But Todd hurried him along. Not saying much. Actually, dressing him as if it was over. He was solemn about the matter. He was no more than some of those folks Gage remembered down at the rehab place who walked him to therapy.

"You'll be fine. You'll see." Todd told him Spencer was here, but Gage noted the sadness in Todd's voice. "I don't think its a good idea for you.. to see Lucy, anymore." His eyes blinked tears as Gage watched him. He didn't think Todd was mad, yet efficient in these matters.

Finally, Gage nodded. He dragged himself to stand. Not sure if he could walk. What was the matter with him? His bones ached. Is this what sex did to you? Todd caught him before he fell in the floor.

"Do you need a doctor?" Todd winced then.

Gage couldn't help but grin, thinking what would he say if he went to the emergency. He shook his head, no. He watched Todd's feet as the weight of him leaned into him. It was a comfort, perhaps. Yet, Todd's face was washed out. Still Gage was sure of it now, Todd was the strongest person he'd ever met.

"I wish.." Gage started, dragging himself a long. "I wish I could be more like you."

"Believe me, you don't want to be me." Todd sighed. He got him to the hall. "You'll be all right. You'll see."

He told Spencer the baby was sick. "And..and, Gage felt like taking a nap." Todd went on to say as if it was half the truth.

"I didn't know the baby was sick." Gage's face tensed. "I didn't know." He looked at Todd as if he should have told him.

"Lucy will take care of her." Todd nodded. Gage nodded then too.

"You hungry?" Spencer was all smiles.

"Yeah." Famished in fact, thought Gage. It felt as if the dream was fading fast. Maybe he couldn't hang on to any memory if he tried. He could walk on his own now. Slowly, he made his way to the car. There was still a sudden humidity in the air. That was why he liked Lucy and Todd's place so much. It was like a refrigerator, in fact.

He looked back, thinking only moments ago he'd been in someone else's bed. And he thought of Lucy's mouth. How her messy hair fell past her shoulder, into his face. Her skin so soft and new. It was a different place, than now. Driving through town in the late afternoon with Spencer.

Gage began to weep. He was sad now. Not so much of the thought of missing Lucy, but the fact he'd hurt Todd. He looked at Spencer, thinking he was capable of doing just as much to Spencer.

"What's the matter?" Spencer looked over at him..

"Nothing." Gage shivered, wishing this was a memory he could make go away, but there it was sliding in and out of everything he saw around him.